Shirley Glass, a psychiatrist, spent more than twenty years investigating infidelity and found that a relationship can be in danger without any physical contact. In her study, an affair is defined as any connection outside the main relationship that involves secrecy, emotional intimacy, and unacknowledged sexual chemistry, none of which necessarily requires physical contact. How much emotional or romantic energy can be directed towards someone outside the relationship before it amounts to a breach of it? Few couples have ever taken the time to actually answer that question.
What “Micro-Cheating” Actually Means
Since there is no clinical definition of micro-cheating, the term leads to so many disagreements. It generally describes little, minor acts of unfaithfulness, such as sending flirtatious texts, hiding how close a friendship really is, keeping a dating app installed “just to browse”, and saving a number under a false name. On its own, each of these actions appears insignificant. The reason they become problematic is the same test that Glass applied in the case of full-blown affairs—would this person carry out this exact action in front of their partner in the same way, with nothing concealed?
It is the secrecy that is doing most of the work in this situation, not the act itself. There is no issue with texting a former partner. It is different, however, to text them and then delete the chat each time, even if the messages in question are entirely unremarkable. Glass described this as a “wall and window” problem, meaning that a wall is built up between the partners, and at the same time, a window is opened towards someone else.
Micro-Cheating vs. Emotional Affair
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy identifies two features that distinguish an emotional affair from a normal friendship: namely, that it involves a greater degree of emotional intimacy than the current primary relationship, and that it is deliberately kept from the other partner. Micro-cheating is generally the first step towards such a situation, rather than a separate category, since small acts of concealment accumulate until one relationship gradually takes over the other’s attention and disclosure.
What This Tends to Look Like
Deleted or hidden conversations. Not every private conversation is suspicious — plenty of people just don’t screenshot their whole lives for a partner to review. What matters is whether someone is actively managing what their partner would see if they looked.
There’s also the relationship that keeps getting introduced as “just” something. “Just a coworker.” “Just an old friend.” “Just someone from the gym.” That qualifier tends to show up because the person already senses their partner would ask questions if they described the closeness plainly.
None of this, on its own, proves a partner is doing something wrong. One flirtatious text or one deleted conversation isn’t a pattern. Glass’s own framework cares about direction and repetition over any single act — is this a one-off, or is it where a real share of someone’s emotional energy is now going?
Why the Line Depends on the Couple, Not a Rulebook
Different couples draw that line in entirely different ways, and neither extreme is necessarily the healthier option. In some cases, partners are comfortable having close friendships with the opposite sex and engaging in private conversations. In other cases, they feel that every friendship should be open and every message should be visible. What is important isn’t which policy the couple chooses, but whether both individuals actually agreed to it verbally, rather than one person assuming the other has the same standard.
Many disputes over micro-cheating actually begin not in the behavior itself but in the fact that no boundary had been established from the start. Research by John Gottman into ‘bids for connection’, which are the small instances in which partners seek each other’s attention, showed that couples who remained together responded to each other’s bids about 86% of the time, compared with about one-third of the couples who later divorced. The pattern of micro-cheating is often the exact opposite of this. Bids for attention, humor, or reassurance are still being made and answered — but they are directed towards someone outside the relationship.
Defining the line together also guards against the opposite problem: treating every close friendship as a threat. A partner who reads every text and demands access to every account isn’t necessarily protecting the relationship. Sometimes they’re managing anxiety about a partner’s past or imagined rivals that has nothing to do with what the other person is actually doing. The useful goal is an agreement specific enough that both partners know what crossing it would actually look like.
How to Talk About It Without Starting a Fight
The discussion works more effectively when it is treated as a way of setting boundaries rather than as an accusation. If you start off by saying “I’ve read your messages and I think you’re doing something wrong”, the other person will immediately go into defence before any genuine discussion can take place; but if you begin by saying “Let’s together work out what seems acceptable to both of us when it comes to other people”, you can get the same information without attaching any judgement to it.
It is better to be specific than to seek general reassurance. The question ‘Are you being faithful to me?’ will get a yes answer from anyone, whether or not it’s honest, since it’s too vague to relate to anything concrete. The question ‘How would you feel if I texted my ex in the same way that you text your ex?’ is nearer to a real and answerable kind of comparison, as it refers to a particular behavior – for example, having a late-night chat or keeping a hidden thread – rather than merely describing a general sense of discomfort.
It is also important to distinguish between asking for a change and calling for punishment. It is entirely reasonable to ask your partner to stop a particular behavior or to be open about a specific aspect of the relationship. Considering each past incident as evidence of who they are as a person generally prevents the conversation from reaching the agreement both partners really need. The agreement usually required is one made up of the same small, consistent habits that help rebuild trust following any breach, big or small.
How Relatio Can Help
Relatio is an app grounded in scientific evidence that creates a personalized daily plan from a short quiz. For couples who are dealing with precisely this kind of unclear situation—such as undefined boundaries, mild jealousy, and a friendship that one partner isn’t sure how to mention — the Relationship Growth program offers guided exercises to have these conversations without them becoming accusations, together with communication tools and a system for tracking progress that demonstrates whether or not trust is in fact being rebuilt over time. While it cannot take the place of therapy when there is an established affair, it does provide couples with a structured, daily method of setting out and then reviewing the boundaries that they had never managed to name.
Relatio is an app focused on wellness and education, not one that provides medical, diagnostic, or therapeutic services, and people’s individual experiences may differ. In cases where ongoing conflicts or trust problems are causing considerable distress, it is advisable to consult a qualified couples therapist.
FAQ
What is considered to be micro-cheating? There is no set checklist. Most definitions revolve around small, repeated actions involving concealment or splitting one’s emotional attention: for example, hiding conversations, downplaying the closeness of a friendship, or putting more effort into an interaction outside the relationship than your partner ever notices. Secrecy is generally the common element in these cases, rather than any particular act.
The difference between micro-cheating and an emotional affair is that micro-cheating generally refers to specific actions, for example, a concealed text message or a flirtatious comment, while an emotional affair involves a continuing relationship that acquires the emotional intimacy and primary status that normally belong to a partner—this being the distinction that the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy itself draws between affairs and ordinary friendships.
Is an emotional affair more serious than a physical one? By no means is one more serious; each causes different types of damage. According to Shirley Glass’s research, emotional affairs can be just as destabilizing as physical ones because they are more difficult to recognize and can more easily be justified by the partner involved as ‘just a friendship’.
Is texting someone else cheating? Not on its own. What tends to matter is whether it’s the kind of content or the frequency a person would be fine with their partner seeing in full, and whether that’s been agreed on rather than just assumed.
