The saying ‘A chain is only as strong as its weakest link’ could be paralleled to saying ‘a relationship is only as strong as the trust that bonds it’. Trust is one of those values that most people declare is important to them, is integral to a relationship, and is a strength that they possess. The issue is that when we believe something to be true yet haven’t had it modeled in our lives by our own caretakers, friends, and partners, then it doesn’t just become a virtue we embody by happenstance. Trust is something that is built with great care, intention, and effort. It is also something that can be broken as easily as the fragile wing of a moth. The minute that someone is dishonest, we find that we question everything they tell us. We often look backward to see if there were other places they could have been lying, and are suspicious going forward of the details of their actions and the validity of their word. This is how trust is broken, and there is a painstakingly long road to rebuilding.
I remember a client sharing that after finding out about her partner’s infidelity, she was triggered by the smallest untruths. When her 6-yr old daughter said she had brushed her teeth, but she found the toothbrush dry to the touch. She lost it. A developmentally appropriate lie from a young child who doesn’t comply with a bedtime routine equated to fury that she couldn’t rely on or believe anything in her world was as it was presented to her. Every time someone in her life showed her an untruth, the world felt unsafe, out of her control, and full of anxiety.
The road to repairing trust in a relationship is a slow, arduous one that requires great patience for both parties. The key to this repair is following a recipe authentically and consistently until the person feels safe again and has enough new lived experiences with trust and truths to replace whatever rupture has occurred.
The recipe I use with my clients is as follows: Ownership of breach, Acknowledgment of others’ feelings, Genuine apology, Agreement of what to do differently.
When someone hurts us and simply rushes to the words “I’m sorry,” they tend to not hold a lot of weight. The receiver usually feels a sense of ‘if you were sorry or cared about me, you wouldn’t have hurt me in the first place’. The phrase ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t repair anything; it simply tells you the regret the other feels, and you are left to determine if it is even genuine or if they understand what they are sorry for.
In contrast, when someone follows the repair recipe above, they are demonstrating that they know exactly what act was hurtful and caused rupture, they take the emotional burden off the other person of having to explain how it impacted them, and then the genuine apology lands in a space where the receiver has access to a bit more compassion or desire to lean in. The additional commitment to doing something different in the future builds an understanding of what they can expect, which alleviates anxiety about having to experience this behavior repeatedly.
I tell clients to start with very small things to practice that aren’t as emotionally loaded so they can perfect the equation before using for needed larger item repairs. For example, if a partner has a habit of leaving their shoes in the entryway and their partner always trips over the shoes and has expressed frustration, then this issue could follow the repair recipe as follows.
Partner 1 walks in the door with hands full of grocery bags and trips over partner 2’s shoes.
Partner 2 immediately jumps up to assist and says:
“I left my shoes in the entryway AGAIN. You have asked me not to do that a multitude of times, and I bet that when you just tripped, you felt immediate anger at me, frustration with my repetitive behavior, disrespected by my not taking you seriously, and hopeless that I will ever really hear you and change. I am truly sorry I haven’t prioritized changing this annoying habit of mine. I am going to stop by the store on the way home from work tomorrow and grab a shoe shelf for the front entryway so this doesn’t happen anymore.”
It may seem like an excessive apology for something relatively small, yet the practice of the sincerity of the words regulates the Central Nervous System (CNS) of their partner immediately, which allows them to heal and rewire their brain to feel safe and be open to repair and trust rebuilding.
When something deeper needs healing, like an infidelity, this repair recipe can be extended with more detail, and often I have clients write it out in a letter so their partner can reread it over and over to help with the rewiring. The next step is to make sure that there is not only consistency but repetition in this repair. Every time a television show or movie displays infidelity, the partner who caused rupture can press pause on the show, face their partner, and repeat the repair. “I did the same thing to you that that character did in this scene. I bet this is really hard to watch and brings up all the feelings of betrayal, lying, feeling replaceable, disrespected, and maybe some insecurities. I am truly so sorry I have brought this dynamic into our relationship. Do you want to skip this scene, stop watching this show, have some space, have me hold you? I will continue to caretake you every time something comes into our world that reminds you of my unfaithfulness.”
Most people who have caused harm flinch when they see it in front of them and their partner and go silent, hoping that the partner doesn’t notice or fears acknowledging it because they want to avoid a fight. If instead, they beat them to the punch with the repair recipe, then their offended partner doesn’t have to do the emotional labor to self-regulate out of upset, wonder if the offending partner even noticed or cares, and build the courage to be vulnerable to state how triggered they are. If the offending partner does this for their partner every time, then they demonstrate that they get it, they will remain aware, and they will do the work to repair rather than avoid it or make their partner feel alone.
The repetition of this pattern of noticing and doing the repair recipe with immediacy allows the brain to rewire towards trust with these new lived experiences around the trigger. Over time, the lack of any dysregulation from related events will create the solid foundation to trust again.
Another habit or skill to develop to build trust is to understand the difference between transparency and honesty and act with both consistently. I invite couples to orient to these two words as honesty being something you can choose to do in response to a question asked of you, and transparency being something that takes more self-awareness, vulnerability, and courage. If someone asks their partner, “You seem to get shifty when we are around Sara, do you have feelings for her?” Their partner can choose to answer honestly or dishonestly. In contrast, transparency would be to say, “I notice that my behavior changes when we are around Sara. I think I may have a crush or feel desire for her attention, and I am not sure what to make of this. Can we talk about it?” This isn’t an easy admission for most, but it is what builds trust and shows a partner they can navigate the precarious waters together as a team.
Again, start with small things like noticing a change in mood and being transparent in the moment about what it has to do with, even if it is just from being hungry or tired so that the habit forms to follow mood shifts with self-awareness and transparency.
These are actually very simple habits to build, but they are not easy. For many people, transparency and proper repair have never been modeled by anyone in their lives growing up, so both can be like learning a foreign language. The key is to have the desire to adopt these habits, practice them on small things daily to ingrain them so they become second nature, and have patience with yourself and each other in the process of growing and building trust together so the relationship can thrive and become stronger and healthier than ever before.
