Access to arousal is different for everyone. Some people think that men tend to have spontaneous arousal, and a simple visual of anything can act as their on button. Some people think that women only have responsive desire and need to just start the sexual process, and they will eventually feel sexual arousal. These are both gross overgeneralizations. Men can have barriers to their own access of sexual arousal that are rooted in self-esteem, feeling emasculated or deficient, their relationship with their own bodies, etc. Women can feel responsive desire from being touched sensually with consent in ways that feel safe and alluring to them. Relying on foreplay or touching erogenous zones before she feels inviting of that is simply arousal non-concordance, which means that her body is being exposed to something sexual in nature that causes her brain to wire and fire with her sexual response system which may not at all be in alignment with her actual desire or mental/emotional state and can actually cause trauma and aversion to sex in the long run.
If the goal is to reignite her desire and authentic access to sexual arousal, then understanding what turns her on is the only key needed. Some common things that may allow a woman to have access to arousal can be:
- Emotionally attuned conversation that creates connection and safety.
- Non-sexual, affectionate physical touch on non-erogenous zones of her body.
- Words of affirmation displaying appreciation for what she does, how she looks, etc.
- Acts of service that make her emotional or physical load lighter.
- Good-natured humor that makes her laugh and feel playful and safe.
- Deep eye contact across a room or eye gazing that shows you are present and focused on her.
Other access points may be less common and more nuanced, which is why it is so
important to KNOW your partner’s on ramps before trying any of these:
- Sexting with sexy pics and innuendos.
- Direct physical touch near pleasure centers aimed to be sexual or arousing.
- Explicit language of what you want to do to her.
- Deep, passionate kissing out of the blue or upon greeting.
- If you pay attention to what your partner responds to viscerally in a positive direction.
- That leads her towards sinking into you, feeling embodied, out of her head, and safe enough to relax into desire. You will most certainly hold the key to her passion being ignited!
